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Friday 28 March 2014

You Know It's Summer When...

Hola, amigos. Yes, I can speak Japanese, okay?

For all of us super cool people up here on the Northern Hemisphere, summer is finally here! Yay! *burst of confetti and children's shrieks* I don't know why I said summer is 'finally' here; it's not like the part of India I live in has bitterly cold, long drawn-out, snowy winters (ha, I wish). On the contrary, winter is the time we eagerly look forward to, because then we can finally flaunt our super-fashionable monkey-caps. Here, I think you'll agree when I tell you this that THIS is the next best thing in fashion after blue jeans:



Sir, what a selfie. The monkey cap does not at all make you look like you're about to kill a grandmother.

I think I got a bit off track. Yes, so summer is here! Here in West Bengal (and most parts of India), we don't really have Spring, as such. One moment you're snuggling in your sweater and enjoying the cold, and the next moment you want to strip naked and live in a little hut you made in front of the yellowed, wheezing air-conditioner that was installed before you were born in your parents' bedroom, and never, ever get out.

You know summer is here in India, when:

1. The night is as quiet as the local bazaar at rush hour on a Sunday morning. There are air-conditioners groaning EVERYWHERE! It starts late in the evening, and you can tell by the groan and splutter of it being switched on, and continues well into the next morning, thereby allowing you a restful night's sleep. NOT. I have a weird reaction to ACs, which I mentioned in one of my earlier posts; I cannot sleep when they are on. Plus, did I mention that one of my neighbours thinks its unnecessary to get their electronic appliances serviced at least once? Yes, so that bitch sounds like it's coughing so hard it's going to die.

2. The sweat patches. You come out of the bath, put on the deodorant, put on some nice clean clothes, and you sit down, and BAM you have these blossoming under your armpits and all sorts of places (if you know what I mean). I mean, you don't even have to be doing any work to get these eyesores. They will just haunt you...forever.

3. The tan. If you are Caucasian, or have white skin, it probably looks good on you. Attractive, even. But most of us in this blessed country are brown-skinned, and when we get a tan, we look like we slathered our face with Nutella ( WUDDUP, background reference!). But don't fear, our mothers got it all under control. My mom has the yoghurt, the papaya, the lizard tail, salamander skin and everything else ready to get rid of the 'extra' brownness.

4. SUNSCREEN lotion! Who am I kidding? This stuff doesn't work here! I believe Lotus brings out a range specifically for 'Indian summers', but I think it's just a marketing gimmick. You go out ochre, you come back brown.

5. The black umbrella! Which is nowhere as sexy as Rihanna's one. It is seen everywhere during this time in my city, from college-goers to phuchkawallahs, from bloggers to book-sellers. #blackumbrellaswagy'all

6. The smell of summer. Which is just a polite way of saying, 'we all STINK like SHIT' during these months. So it's generally a good idea to take a bath or two during the day. Or four. Or ten.

There are so many things I can add, but the heat is getting to me. Thank you for reading, and see you next time, you beauties.



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